My last morning. I got out of bed at the same time I always do but didn't head down to the nursery. It felt strangely surreal to still be there but apart from everything. I was leaving.
I finished up all the last minute packing and tidying up of the guesthouse. After I'd finished everything I headed down to the nursery to say goodbye to this shift of mamas and a have a last cuddle with the babies.
The babies all seemed to want to be held at once which is unusual. Mama Dorothy said "the Spirit is telling them that you are leaving". Mama Dorothy gave me her long parting blessing which I'm told she only does for special volunteers. I felt privileged to receive it. All the mamas sent greetings with me back home to my parents, family and church.
Poor John couldn't understand why I'd put him down so soon and I had to walk out the gate with him crying for me to pick him up. He'll be fine, the question is will I?
I then headed over to the boys cottage to do goodbyes again. Some scrambled to give me hugs and others quietly waited for me to call their name for a hug. The question is always "who will be our new aunty?" I couldn't answer that. I knew that have a new aunty soon but who they were I had no clue. God will bring them the people they need.
Richard was still under the impression that he was coming with me. I had to explain again that he was only going part way and then returning home. I left him with his head down in disappointment. How much fully sinks into the boys, I don't know. They still asked if I was going to read them a bedtime story tonight. No, no more bedtime stories from me. No more butterfly kisses and whispering "I love you" in their ears. I'm going to get in the car and probably never see them again. My heart screams, How can you do this? How can you keep putting one foot in front of the other when it's taking you far away from those you love? but I continued on, closed the door behind me and collected my bags.
Richard was coming with me part of the way. Emma had to take him into Kampala to see a doctor about some ear problems. Becky even joined us for the ride as she had some work to do there. So it was a nice full car for the majority of the ride. Richard enjoyed every moment as the little ones don't often get car rides.
We stopped for lunch at a Mexican restaurant that I'd been to once before. Richard asked me "Aunty, is this Australia?" Poor child has no concept of how far away it really is. Then again, maybe that's a good thing. I left them to finish their lunch and continued on with my driver to Entebbe. He didn't really know where he was going and had to stop for directions twice but he eventually found the main road and we continued on our journey. A little while before the airport we went through a road block and I had to get out of the car to empty my purse and go through metal detector while the driver waited for me a few hundred meters ahead. I made it to the airport at around 2pm. The driver carried my bags for me almost to check in and then I paid him for parking and thanked him before he left me. I was on my own again.
Check in was quick and I met an Aussie girl in the queue who'd just spent the same amount of time volunteering in a different orphanage. I was thankful that I'd got there earlier as my flight had been moved forward an hour which I didn't realise.
As I boarded the plane, settled into my seat and waiting for take off again that corner of my heart screamed take me back! I don't want to leave!
Traveling was much the same as it always is, tiring, long, boring. My flight was delayed at Doha and we waited on the plane for almost an hour before take off. I slept quite a bit of those 13 hours, exhaustion taking over and overcoming the fact that sleeping is almost impossible in an airplane seat.
I have moments of excitement and moments of irrational panic, moments of calm and moments of fear, moments of peaceful acceptance and moments of longing. Ask me how I feel? You just might get a different answer from me at different moments. In the long quiet hours that is traveling, I find myself daydreaming of two different places. The moment when I walk through those doors and I see my family again has played over and over in my mind. Yet, just as often my mind travels back and my arms ache with emptiness. There's something missing. I'm not the same. I've grown used to having a small person depending on me for their every need and comfort. Where are they? Where is that small wriggling child ever constant in my arms?
Things I miss already....
- baby tears on my shoulder
- reaching out to steady uncertain steps
- eyes that light up when I walk in the room
- being called "Aunty"
- hands that are always reaching for mine
- cries for attention
- giggles of laughter
- tired eyes that watch my face as I sing softly
- dimpled cheeks
- cheeky grins of mischief
There's much more but these are the main things and the list could go on forever if I tried to record everything. One thing I felt which I'd never experienced before is that deep love for someone that isn't returned the same way, a love so great that they'll never truly understand how much I love them. They'll never know how much I care. They'll never remember my name. They may never know that wherever they go in the world someone loves them, cares for them and prays for them.
God knows though. He is a Father. He cares for His children that don't fully comprehend Him, that can't fully grasp the depth of His love, that take for granted the fact He is even there.
Nothing compares to His love.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me another glimpse of Yourself through these children.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121
